April 2009
“My bowels are open, my balls are ticklish, my work moves, my children are well...”
– oh, John Cheever! It’s because you like guys!
Some of my favorite lines from my classmates in...
Horses: they were like people, only better.
I have never been in love, and never, ever have I been loved.
The first is meant to be recited in an uppity accent of unknown origin and the latter in a very slow, profound tone that connotes both the insignificance and isolation of the human condition.
March 2009
2 tags
I think I must be getting older because last night after having a few beers with this one lady of the internet, instead of getting pizza on the walk home or unfortunate sexting I went to ORGANIC PLANET at 1 in the morning and bought groceries I certainly can’t afford.
Among my list of petty bourgeois indulgences: edamame, QUORN CHIK’N NUGGETS, and not one, but TWO boxes of Yogi Tea....
“If you talk to your sister, tell her not to go into sales. Or money laundering,...”
– Mom
o god
Sister: So I've been hearing back from some of these CareerBuilder places that want to interview me...
Me: Awesome! What are they?
Sister: Well, this one sounded really cool, but I'm not sure. It says they want someone who has a great sense of humor, people always tell you they like you, and you work harder than everybody else.
me: well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad...
Sis: Yeah, ha...So yeah, you make 1k a week plus commission and benefits.
me: Sweet! Wait, commission? It's a sales job?
Sis: Well, they deposit a ton of money into your account, and then you just move it around to these other accounts...I dunno, it seems pretty easy. There's a long description, I'll email it to you.
The Kinks - Apeman
Fuck you, guys, I love this...
I couldn't believe it, either.
me: You know everyone can ask questions, right?
sharingtime: Even jews?!?!?!!
what is your record for city blocks walked without...
I had a dream i was a secretary, or was playing one in a movie. i took notes on a pad of post-its, asked them what sort of “made-up title” a man i was asked to contact held. Everyone cleared their throats. I knew it was a misstep. Drew Barrymore was there and we shared little winks and laughs with each other in between takes; I took an immediate liking to her, but soon noticed her...
Creep by Timo Räisänen, originally by Radiohead
...
it was kind of an amazing night.
me: What size shirt do you want?
JoCoFan: Geek size.
Halle: 2XL it is!
“Hey Jake, it’s not like you were curing cancer. You were a fucking...”
– Matt Taibbi is such a glorious little bitch.
probably the dumbest thing i said to my friend...
His smile…it looks so sincere!
the feminine mystique part 2
dude: though to be honest, instead of reading your post, I just taped a picture of your tits to my screen and then clicked on the heart
me: ha. I operate under the assumption that yours is the universal experience
1 tag
everyone says ich liebe dich.
I was on the J train today, trying to hide the fact that I was wearing one gray kneesock and one black crew sock, really fucking stressing out about it, actually— how often do I do this? Convince myself something seems okay enough in the morning out the door and then after a few minutes with a stripe of leg showing in the gap between my sock and my yoga pants, I have decided this is just one...
fucking Serendipity
Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu items?
Friend: Yea, actually, what's the deal with Aunt Buba's Sand Tartes?
Waiter: It's pecan sandies...
Me: EW!
Everyone: * silence *
Me: Oh, sorry. I mean, it's okay, guys, I can say that, I mean, he probably didn't make them, I mean they probably weren't HIS idea, right, sir?
Everyone: * silence *
Other Friend: (squeaks) Maybe...he...did...
*silence*
“I love to kiss
the pictures in your skin. They’ll last until
you’re seared to...”
– kim addonizio, “First Poem for You”
I always liked her; trying is such a sad, profound thing to me.
“So there I was jabbering at her about my new job as a serious newsman - about...”
– L.A. Story
1 tag
she: What's it called when you are horny-- but for intimacy?
me: "Lonely"
she: That's the stuff!
for the record i don't give two shits about the... →
old belinda over at time.com is really givin it to arianna huffington. which is all well and good and she’s got some points and I basically agree with her, but for someone whose motivation in writing this article is presumably to defend journalistic integrity, this bit is a little CURIOUS.
What first made me hate Belinda So-and-So from this article alone were these sentences:
Less hardy...
The thing I love most about thefuckingweather.com is that after about a week of using it you start to say, “Oh, lemme check the fucking weather.”
And really isn’t that what life’s about— integrating profanity into every little corner of the English language?
1 tag
My toes are sweating, baby, my jeans are getting...
I witnessed probably the most romantic conversation that has ever been exchanged between a lady and her pimp today while waiting for the G train.
At first the conversation was about clients and gifts and money and men; they switched back and forth between Spanish and English, and I just knew all the juicy (bad choice of words?) stuff was being said in Espanol. I postulate this because after...
“You can blog about me or you can date me, but you can’t do both,” he said to...”
– TERRIFYING WORDS in an article on sxsw by David Carr in the Times today (that mentions Nick and Melissa and David!).
my #1 tumblr crush →
So I guess syntheticpubes is an actual person who does more than troll the interweb for naked ladies (not that we- or at least I- don’t appreciate that skill). Here is his stalk-worthy portfolio.
“Please bring anyone you want, as long they are attractive…. just kidding!...”
– my friend freddie; there is a great art to the bday invite email. learn it, live it, love it.
man I feel like a twat. I dunno how ppl write serious blogs all day.
“I would also say to the assembled educators — you owe it to the next...”
– Dave Winer’s piece “If you don’t like the news,” [go out and make some of your own]. Oh sheiiit!
He makes some interesting points and addresses the Shirky piece in a manner most fascinating! Winer claims that the press is going batshit over it because Shirky claims there...
1 tag
bahaha.
me: So, new ladyfriend? Is she cool?
him: Yeah; more than you'd expect.
“He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went...”
– Metaphor from a high-school English-class essay (via jours) (via marco)
What does it mean that I read this and thought it was kind of genius before i read the quote source?
“Jane murmured into my ear again, undoing a giant zipper within me.”
– Michael Chabon, Mysteries of PIttsburgh (via nightmarebrunette)
1 tag
:(
“Will, I’m bored, will you do the beat to My lipgloss be poppin?”
We walked through Herald Square and pretended Midwestern accents and yelled loudly to each other, “OH, BILLY, THERE’S THAT OLD NAVY WE SAW ABOUT ON THE TEEVEE! WE DON’T HAVE THOSE IN KENOSHA!”
People stared and I waved the bouquet we had brought to give to Halle around like a weapon,...
1 tag
“Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun...”
– Nicole Krauss, The History of Love
Don’t Forget Me by Neko Case originally by Harry...
more info on the Bank of America settlement →
Here is an MSN money article on the B of A settlement. Turns out it is $78 dollars, and it is for real. The lawsuit covers transactions between 2000 and 2007, and you must file to be a part of it before May 9th to get the money. I encourage everyone to apply for eligibility, as this article states it only takes two minutes and you can do it here.
A lot of people have been responding in the...
# of calls made to b of a today: 4
Hey remember the time BANK OF AMERICA cancelled my card and sent me a new one without telling me, and I accidentally threw it away? CUZ I DO.
And yes OF COURSE when i went to the B of A atm just now and they said, “This transaction has been cancelled,” I thought they had read my blog or something and were freezing my accounts.
So yeah. I don’t even have a way to withdraw all my...
